Im not together but Im getting there.

I went to Chattanooga this weekend (unfortunately did not get a chance to visit those two beloved places, Ruby Falls and Rock City) because Tal was doing his porn presentation with Ruth Graham and Friends. He doesn’t like to travel alone, which is a really good idea because women at these conferences hit on him even though he is admitting his sexual sin. I guess somehow that turns some people on. So, Casey “Sea Bass” Hobbs and I went with him and I had a great moment with God as I read Thomas Merton’s book Spiritual Direction and Meditation later Saturday night in my hotel room. One of the most important things Tal talks about when he talks about the recovery process is accountability, which naturally includes the discipline of confession. I do not remember hearing much teaching, if any, on confession as I grew up in the church. There was not very much openness and honesty in the church I grew up in. Many priests and pastors have neglected this practice and do not have any practical understanding of how to take confessions or give spiritual direction to the penitent in order that he may avoid sin. As a pastor I want this to be one of the distinguishing marks of my ministry, that I not only preach and teach, but that I am loyal to receive confession from people in my church, am able to give direction and counsel for living in light of the gospel of Christ, and that I go into other churches and teach willing and able Christians how to give this kind of spiritual direction. So many Christians and even leaders are living a meaningless pantomime of perfection. This is precisely why so many sins have gained such a foothold in our church members and leaders today. The sin is kept secret and the secret feeds the shame and the shame feeds the addiction and the cycle goes round and round. How I wish this cycle would be broken and I believe the type of transparent spiritual direction Merton is advising, especially with novice Christians, is essential to robbing these secret sins of their power to perpetuate that cycle.

On page 27, Merton says, “ Even for a superior (What Merton means by superior is someone who has been maturing in the Christian faith for years, as opposed to someone new in the faith) a timely conference with a good director may resolve many apparently hopeless problems and open one’s eyes to unsuspected dangers, thereby preventing a disaster…In many cases the absence of direction may mean the difference between sanctity and mediocrity in the religious life…good directors are rare…If we really desire spiritual directors for our communities and for others, let us seek them. We can at least pray for this intention! He will raise up priests who will desire to give themselves to this kind of work, in spite of the difficulties and sacrifices involved. But there is always a danger that the priest qualified to seriously direct religious will be overwhelmed by the demand for his services.”

As I read Merton’s words, my heart was burning inside of me. I want to be that kind of director. Then it hit me that Tal is exactly that kind of director, even the completely overwhelmed part! God has me at Tapestry to learn this kind of ministry and to be able to go out to be this type of minister that is greatly needed. This ministry is not the glam youth ministry at a mega church that I wanted to do for years. At the Ruth Graham and Friends conference, Tal had 33 people in the first workshop and 36 people in the second workshop and that is if you count Tal, me, and Casey in both of them! Our church has about 30 people coming to it and Tal’s cell phone rings at all hours of the day with some addict he has never met and is probably going to lie to him for half of the conversation. And, he gets paid squat! In case you don’t know, squat isn’t a lot of money in Alabama. The conversion rate isn’t very good here.

I have been struggling for a few weeks about my position in ministry, my role at Tapestry, what I'm going to do when I graduate from Beeson and get married, and how the church down the road is swelling by the minute and Tapestry is barely filling the preaching lab. But this weekend, I laid in my bed thinking about our church, how Kellee McCoy was going to lead worship on Sunday, and how Tal wants to train me and Casey to do the ministry he is doing. I was thinking about how Kellee told me that he finally realizes what he should have realized all along, that he isn’t worthy to be leading worship. I started thanking God for that and then talking to God about how I'm not even worthy to hold the doors open as these wonderful, confessing, broken-but-in-repair people walk in the doors to our worship gathering. I said that I certainly wasn’t worthy to be breaking the bread and pouring the juice and praying over the communion element like I get to do so often. That’s when I started crying. God was giving me a wonderful, humbling vision for ministry and I think it is beautiful. It isn’t anything like what I thought it would be when I was going to Bible College and it certainly isn’t what I thought it would be when I was in high school but it is awesome and I'm so happy that I'm in the ministry position I’m in.